Filling Your Own Cup

Before take-off, every flight gives the same instruction: put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. Yet for many mothers, fathers and carers, our own needs come last, if they come at all. We tell ourselves there will be time to rest later. But caring for others from an empty cup is hard, and in the end, everyone feels it. Taking time for yourself isn't selfish. It's one of the most loving things you can do for the people who depend on you.

The weight of caring

Raising children and caring for loved ones is deeply rewarding. It is also relentless. Broken sleep, constant demands, money worries, juggling work and home, and the endless "to do" list can wear down even the most devoted parent or carer.

Much of this work is invisible. Sociologists call it the mental load: the planning, remembering, organising and worrying that keeps a family running, from booking appointments to knowing when the school shoes are too small. Research suggests this thinking work often falls unevenly, and is easily overlooked because it can't be seen.¹

And it isn't only parents. Millions of people in the UK care, unpaid, for an ill, elderly or disabled relative or friend, often alongside work and children of their own.

When the cup runs dry

Psychologists now recognise parental burnout: an overwhelming exhaustion from the role of parenting, an emotional distancing from one's children, and a painful sense of no longer being the parent you want to be.² A study across 42 countries found it was surprisingly common, and highest in Western, individualistic cultures, where parents are often expected to manage alone, without the support of extended family and community.³

Burnout doesn't only hurt the parent. Research suggests that exhausted parents are more likely to lose their temper, to become withdrawn, or to feel like escaping altogether, and that these effects can reach their children too.⁴ None of this is a sign of failure. It's a sign that the demands have been too great for too long, without enough support.

The early years after having a baby can be particularly hard. Around one in ten women experiences postnatal depression, and research suggests around one in ten fathers does too, especially when their partner is struggling.⁵ (See Where Body Care Meets Mind.)

You cannot pour from an empty cup.

Your calm is their calm

Children learn to manage their feelings by borrowing their parents' calm. A calm adult helps settle a child's racing heart and frightened mind, a process called co-regulation. (See Social Resonance.)

Stress passes between us just as easily. In one study, mothers were put through a stressful task and then reunited with their babies. Within minutes, the babies' heart rates rose in step with their mothers' stress, even though the babies hadn't experienced the stress themselves.⁶

This is why caring for yourself is not a luxury. A parent who is rested and resourced has more patience, more warmth and more energy to give. Children don't need a perfect parent. The paediatrician Donald Winnicott famously spoke of the "good enough" parent: one who is loving and present, makes mistakes, and repairs them.⁷ Being good enough is far easier when your own needs are met.

Letting go of guilt

Many parents, and mothers in particular, feel guilty about taking time for themselves. Yet when parents are kinder to themselves, they cope better. In a study of parents of autistic children, those with more self-compassion, treating themselves with the same kindness they'd offer a friend, had less stress and depression and greater hope and life satisfaction.⁸

Try asking: "What would I say to a friend in my position?" Then offer yourself the same kindness.

Ways to fill your cup

• Find small moments. Rest doesn't have to mean a weekend away. Ten minutes with a cup of tea in the garden, a bath, a walk around the block or a few slow breaths all count. Look for the small gaps in the day, and protect them.
• Breathe. A few slow breaths, with a long out-breath, can calm your nervous system in moments, even in the middle of a meltdown. (See The Healing Breath.)
• Share the load. Talk openly with your partner about who does what, including the invisible thinking work. Write it down if it helps. Divide tasks fairly, and let go of how the other person does them.
• Ask for help, and accept it. From family, friends, neighbours or community groups. Most people are glad to help when asked.
• Protect your sleep. Take turns with night wakings where you can, nap when the baby naps, and go to bed earlier rather than staying up for "me time" that leaves you exhausted. (See The Art of Sleep.)
• Nourish yourself. Parents often finish children's leftovers and skip proper meals. Batch-cook, keep nourishing snacks to hand, and eat sitting down. Steady meals mean steadier energy and mood. (See Balancing the Sugar Seesaw.)
• Move and get outside. A walk in the park or woods, with or without the children, lifts mood and calms stress. (See The Green Prescription.)
• Keep something that's yours. A hobby, a class, a friendship, a creative project: something that reminds you who you are beyond your role as a parent or carer.
• Find your people. Other parents and carers understand. Parent groups, carers' groups and online communities can be a lifeline.
• Nurture your relationship. If you have a partner, make time for each other, even if it's just half an hour of talking after the children are in bed. A strong partnership is the foundation the whole family rests on.
• Learn to say no. To extra commitments, unnecessary obligations and the pressure to do it all perfectly.

At Rootwise, we often see parents and carers who have put themselves last for years. Helping them to rest, restore and rebuild their energy doesn't just change their own health; it ripples out to everyone they care for.